Fellas, if you're about to become a dad for the first time then you're probably starting to wonder about what the birthing center is going to be like and how in the hell are you going to be able to help your partner at all. The baby is inside of her, not you, so how can you possibly be helpful? Well the truth is there is a lot you can and should do, and if you did everything you could then your partner is going to be forever thankful.
Most of the advice I've seen so far is vague and just says things like "support her" and "do whatever is necessary." But what are some concrete things you can do before and during the deliver?
- When you get to your deliver room, set up a "shrine" to inspire peace and relaxation. I brought several things that helped a lot and all the nurses loved it too. I brought:
- An essential oil diffuser. This also helped a lot with all the post-birth smells, not for my benefit but to help her feel less self-conscious if there was a bowel movement (yes that is a thing that happens)
- A bluetooth speaker for playing songs from my phone.
- A small house plant.
- A bouquet of flowers.
- A small, diffused light (battery powered). One of those ones where you can choose the color. This was really really nice when she was laboring in the middle of the night and didn't want the awful flourecent lights on. The diffuser and the bluetooth player also emitted multi-colored lights.
- Music
- I made two playlists (spotify) and overall I think the music helped, but what I learned was that instrumental music was much better than anything with vocals.
- My first playlist was mostly happy, upbeat songs - like Bob Marley, Paul Simon, etc. - but the problem was they didn't match her mood. When she is really raging through a contraction, the last the she wasn't to here is "Don't worry, be happy, la la la..."
- My 2nd playlist was much better. It was all instrumental rock and jazz songs. Lots of Santana, Herbie Hancock, etc. More subdued, more emotionally complex, and better suited as a background. Here is the link to the spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46EEb9EfV3CZSaNr1nx4Lw?si=974f5e224a0…
- Also know when to turn it off. When a nurse or doctor comes in the room, turn it off or down real low. And even if you think it would be awesome for your newborn to come into this world with Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out" playing in the background, trust me when I say that during the pushing it's best just to not have any music playing at all.
- When the contractions begin, use a mobile app to count them.
- I used "Contraction Timer" or something similar.
- This proved to be HUGELY HELPFUL! I was able to show the doctor, when she finally came in 10am after we labored all night. She could see that, yes, this is actually labor (unlike what the nurses where saying) and that we could do the epidural soon. My wife was so so thankful that I was able to do this for her.
- Be her advocate
- She is going to need you to advocate for her while she is laboring. This means finding the nurse, or even the doctor, when she needs help.
- Remind her of her options
- She is going to forget all the little things that are available to her while she is going through labor, because she is going to be in too much pain to think about anything else.
- A good example is our delivery room's bathroom had a whirlpool bathtub. I suggested she try it and she did and, although she wasn't really able to lay back and relax, she said it helped a lot. For some reason when she got in the warm water, her contractions stopped for a while and she could get her breath back and recover a bit.
- There was also exercise balls, weird chairs, etc. that I would occasionally suggest she try. I think that helped.
- One thing your partner will probably NOT forget is the epidural. In our experience, we always planned on getting the epidural, and it was the best decision ever. Everything got a lot easier after that. But maybe, in your case, she doesn't want the epidural, yet after 12 hours of labor and it's getting worse, and if its still an option, then maybe she will need you to encourage her to take that route. But first ensure with the doctor that it is still an option before you suggest it to your partner. And keep in mind that it is ultimately her body, her decision.
- Cry with her
- After hours and hours of agonizing contractions, and not really getting any sympathy from the overnight nurses, it started to wear down on me too (emotionally, at least). She was so sad and miserable, unlike anything I've ever seen. This caused me to start weeping. And when she saw me crying with her, she knew I really did care and that we where going to get through this together as a family. I think it something she will never forget.
- Physically support her.
- Let her lean on your, squeeze your hand, whatever it takes.
- During the epidural procedure, you may need to physically hold her up or keep her from falling, as she needs to stay extremely still while they do the injection.
- When my wife was delivering during the pushing phase, it was my job to hold her right leg. Honestly, the nurse holding her left leg was really helpful verbally and gave excellent instruction, but this job could also fall on you. So be prepared.
So you see, there is a LOT you can do. The delivery of your child is something that the two of you will do, together, as a family. If you are able to do your part during the delivery, then your partner will love you more than ever because of it.
This list is obviously based on my own experience, 10 months ago when we gave birth to our son, Owen. It was several days past our due date, so the doctor recommended we check into the hospital in the evening so they could give my wife some hormone injections that would induce the labor contractions. But what they didn't tell us is that the induced contractions would be even more painful than if they began naturally. It was a long, brutal night. But once the epidural was given, it was smooth sailing and the rest of the birth went off without a hitch.
If you're reading this then soon it will be your turn to go through this experience. And if you take the advice given here, then I can say: you got this!